Shades of Baby Blue

I'm currently sitting on the couch, in my usual breastfeeding spot. Baby is sleeping blissfully and peacefully. The laundry is swishing around in the machine. The dishes are done. The clean laundry is folded, diapers are stuffed. And I am shades of baby blue.

Maybe it's the clouds that have come to settle so low on the mountains, it looks like there aren't any. Maybe it's the slow drizzle of rain, drumming steadily on the roof and preventing us from having any fun outside. Maybe it's the drop in the temperature, indicating that it's still indeed Spring, and NOT Summer (as we gleefully supposed last week).

Every day I make a TTD List (that would be Things To Do List), and then gloatingly cross each item off as I finish it. I write literally everything that I have to do on that list, short of using the toilet, just to make myself feel like I'm accomplishing something. And to be honest, most days I do get a lot done. I have always made lists, ever since I was a kid. I made my list today, just like every other day. Blogging wasn't on it, but here I am. I feel the need to write.

I feel lost. I feel overwhelmed. I feel like crying. I feel empty. I feel dissatisfied with myself. I feel angry and frustrated. I feel lonely and alone (they are two different things). I can imagine each one of those words in a different shade of blue, even the word 'angry', which is usually in red. Today it's blue. Like me.

On days like this (which, thankfully, aren't that close together), I have an argument in my head going on all day. It's like the "angel on one shoulder, devil on the other" scenario, except my characters aren't an angel and devil; they are like Eeyore and Winnie the Pooh. One's determined to be sad, and the other doggedly continues to suggest things to cheer the other one up. The only problem is, the sad side gets irritated by the constant effort to cheer up and then I have fighting...and yes, folks, it's all happening internally. I know. I need help.

This blog is not for whining, so I'm not going to get into the issues that are dragging me down today. Neither is this blog for gushing about what I love about being a mom, so I'm not going to give you the "cheer up" arguments either. Just suffice it to say that both sides are very real to me, and very valid.

Please don't worry...I'm not about to go jump off a bridge or anything. I love...well...living...too much to leave at this point! Things are (usually) pretty happy and exciting and wonderful. I think everyone is allowed days like this.

Nobody tells you beforehand, when you're still pregnant, that your hormones will still be out of whack for quite a while after you actually give birth. Same goes for your body. Put the two together, and it could be rather disastrous. But factor the love you feel for your child into the equation, and it's a whole other story. It then becomes a story of perseverance; of finding strength you never could have imagined you have inside of you; of trusting that God will protect and care for your little one, even when you may fail; but most of all, it becomes a story of love that literally surpasses all other emotions and feelings. Get pooped on today? It's ok. Feel like you want to drop into bed and not get out until tomorrow or maybe even the next day? That's ok too. Because you know why?

You also get smiled at like you are the best person in the whole world. You get little arms reaching for you to pick him up, and happy gurgles when you do. You get to watch as a new little life begins. You get to be a part of it.

So in spite of being blue, varying shades of baby blue, I have glimpses of rainbow all day long.