P90x vs. Childbirth...and the winner is...?

Ok, so I know that when comparing amounts of pain, childbirth will win ANY day over anything else. I don't care how big a guy's kidney stone is, it doesn't weigh 7lbs 8oz and you didn't require any stitches after it came out.

However, today as I began my daily torture regimen with Tony, I contemplated that there is definitely cause for comparison...

That's me, second from left. Ok no it's not. But it will be...?

My husband wanted the P90x for the past two years. He'd seen it on TV. He'd youtubed it. He'd been talking it up since the day I suffered from temporary insanity and ordered TurboJam off the TV (he figured if I could do it, he should also be allowed). I'd listened to him rave about it and even watched the infomercial with him. I agreed that it looked bonafide, and that these people didn't sound scripted...and you couldn't argue with washboard abs. But it looked like you needed weights and a chin-up bar, and there's no WAY I was installing a chin-up bar in my condo! There are only 943 square feet of space in this thing; there is no room for a chin-up bar ANYWHERE. Ok, so I also didn't want to have to do chin-ups, because I can't do one to save my life, but I wasn't about to admit that. And so for the past two years there has been on-and-off raving about the P90x in our house condo. Childbirth, or more specifically 'child', was NOT something my husband was super keen about, much less raving about, for the past two years. Although let it be said that once he got used to the idea, he actually became pretty supportive. And once I got used to the idea of the P90x (more like, once I got it into my head that this would be the fastest way back to body-normalcy), we bought it AND have been using it (unlike my TurboJam DVDs). I think it was a good compromise.

Both involve a lot of grunting and willful controlling of the breathing. Although I will say that childbirth also involved much moaning with a touch of crying thrown in here and there, just for fun. I haven't cried during P90x yet, but it's only Day 16.

Childbirth did not involve anyone named Tony, nor did anyone tell me to "Bring it." However, it goes without saying that of COURSE you're going to bring it...you've been toting it around with you for 40 weeks, and I'm pretty sure any woman I've talked to who has had a baby would say that they were pretty stoked to finally BRING IT!

There are twelve different DVDs that make up the P90x. Each workout is about 60 minutes long, so that means there are about twelve hours of torture (over and over again for 90 days) involved in order to get the body you want. Pregnancy lasted for (almost) ten months, and childbirth lasted (for me) about 6 hours. Yes, it only took that long to destroy my body as I'd always known it, but Tony and the P90x team are going to put it back together again. In ninety days. I hope.

Both require you to stay hydrated. Tony allows you to take little drink breaks throughout your workout. The hospital decided I was dehydrated (who wants to eat ice chips when your teeth are grinding in pain?) so they decided to empty an entire IV bag into my arm during labour and delivery. My face looked like I'd been stung by a swarm of angry bees for a good few days after the main event because of that IV bag (well, and because of, you know, giving birth). I would much rather have had drink breaks, but my body didn't really give me the option...

Nobody interrupts you during childbirth. However, during my P90x workouts, I have been interrupted by (quite obviously) Baby, deciding he'd had enough of sleeping for the time being, text messages from my husband at work asking me if I was working out yet, phone calls from kindly people offering to walk my poor dog (yes, I know, I haven't missed the irony of the fact I'm hopping around and working out, while my poor dog is lying there, imploring me with his doggy-eyes to take him for a walk), phone calls from telemarketers offering me 1000 BONUS Air Miles if I will only press the number 1 on my touchtone phone, and goodness-knows-what-else. If any of those people had tried to interrupt me during childbirth, I think they would've had another thing coming...but nobody did, and so I digress...

You're supposed to eat (and not eat) certain foods for both pregnancy and P90x...and I didn't listen to either one. Tony comes on at the end of each workout to explain that his special after-workout-drink is formulated specifically for P90x users and that nothing else will ever compare. There is also a book that comes with the program, detailing what you should be eating and not eating during your use of the P90x program. I'm a breastfeeding mom. Short of eating onions and super-spicy things (which I wouldn't eat anyway), I eat what I want. During pregnancy there is also a plethora of things you aren't allowed to eat, so much so that at one point early on, I felt as though I was supposed to be subsisting on bread and water for the duration of my pregnancy (but only whole-grain bread so that it would keep me regular), and I gave up on THAT notion pretty quick. No deli meats during summer? No sushi?? Yeah right. I think Bradley is fine for it too...haven't noticed any strange tics as of yet...

In any case, childbirth is over. The child is here. And while he sleeps, I'll give my time to Tony and his P90x team in the hope that one day, I'll have rock-hard abs again, just like it promised on youtube. Bring it!

Do what the nice man on the poster says...