The Poo Fiasco

There's no other way to describe it, really; it was indeed a fiasco. But wait, let me start from the beginning.

It was Wednesday. Bradley hadn't pooed since Monday. In my world, that would be appalling (and very uncomfortable) but in a baby's world, apparently this is completely normal. He didn't appear to be in any kind of pain, so I guessed we would wait and see what happened. I met another new mommy in the grocery store, and she told me that HER baby had just pooed for the first time in SEVEN days, so I guessed that two days really wasn't so bad.

Fast forward to the next day. I was speaking to some friends of ours who both happen to be pharmacists, and I happened to mention that Bradley hadn't pooed since Monday.

"Supposetories! Get some supposetories! Works like a charm every time," he said in an almost gleeful tone.

"Um, eww? Gross!" was my response. "There's no WAY I'm sticking something up his bum. Poor little baby!!"

"In Italy we use suppostories for everything. You don't have any constipated babies in Italy. Get him a supposetory. Here I've got some right here..." he said, while walking briskly to his bathroom and returning in an instant, "If you're squeamish about doing it, just bring him over here. I'll do it. I've done this for all of my friends' babies!"

His wife rolled her eyes. "I don't know if you've done it for ALL of our friends...maybe a couple." She turned to me and explained in a slightly embarrassed tone that in Italy, there are supposetories for EVERYTHING, even Tylenol, and that nobody takes oral pills. They're almost unheard of. At this piece of news, I thought back to my childhood - imagine having a headache? You'd think twice before complaining about it if you knew THAT was coming your way!!

Back to the present situation, I politely refused the supposetories but told him I'd keep it in mind if he started to show any sign of pain from constipation.

Well what do you know, that very night when I went to feed him his before-bedtime-feeding, he was inconsolable. Crying and obviously in pain, I was guessing, from not pooing for 4 days. After 15 minutes, I caved. I sent my husband to Safeway to buy glycerin supposetories, and called our friends to ask what to do.

"Now, with our girls, it was instant!" he said after giving instructions. "Make sure you have lots of towels handy!"

So, armed with a crying baby, towels, wipes, extra diapers, scissors (to cut the supposetory thing in half) and of course, the box of supposetories, we soberly made our way to the family bathroom. The thing went in pretty easily, and I had to pinch his little bum cheeks together to keep it from popping back out again, and then we waited. And waited.

No poo.

After a few minutes, exasperated, I put his little diaper on, packed up our stuff and went back upstairs to attempt our nighttime feeding again. No luck...he still wasn't having it. I swaddled him up and put him to bed, fully expecting him to wake up in an hour with a full, steaming diaper and hunger like he's never known before. So at 7:21am when I heard his "I'm beginning to wake up" squeaks, I couldn't believe it!! Checked his diaper...NO POO!! He has to be the only baby in the world who doesn't poo from supposetories!! He WAS hungry though, so I started to feed him. Our friends called us about 15 minutes later to ask about the success of the supposetories (and, I'm pretty sure, to say a big fat I TOLD YOU SO) but they were met with the news of no poo, at which they suggested to try again with another one.

Sighing, I didn't know what else to do but take their advice. After the second supposetory, still no poo, so I put him down for his morning nap.

At about 10:40am, I woke him up as we were supposed to be at a friend's house around 11. My thought was to change him, dress him, and get going. What's that saying about the "best laid plans"...?

I put Bradley on the change table and took off his diaper. He had done a little poo, which wasn't exactly what I was expecting but better than nothing, and at the very least, encouraging! I cleaned him up and was just putting his new diaper on when he let out a little toot. I looked at his bum...there had been a little bit of "follow-through", if you know what I'm saying...so I cleaned him up and was just about to close up the diaper when...

Well, let's just say that NOTHING prepares you for this moment in motherhood. Nothing. A RAINBOW-ARCH of poo shot out of his bum, over the diaper, onto the change pad, and everywhere! There was poo all over the table and pooling nicely under his bum. I looked at his little face, and it was the face of a very relieved little man. I couldn't help but feel happy for him, but I didn't feel so happy for me! Feebly, I took the wipe in my hand and tried (in vain) to clean his bum when he let out another little toot. My eyes widened. I thought, Surely there can't be more...? and WHOOSH! Another arch, bigger than the first, came pouring, nay, GUSHING out of his bum! This time, the supposetories also ejected themselves out of his bum, one of them skidding to a halt in the open top drawer of the change table (I had been getting out a fresh diaper) and covering everything with a fresh round of poo. There was more poo pooling under his back, all over his blanket, in the top drawer, and dripping down the side of the table.

I felt so helpless and more than a little disgusted, but all I could do was laugh and laugh. Bradley looked serene, and then chose this moment to smile and emit a coo of pleasure! How could I not melt, even amidst all of that poo? My eyes traveled from his precious little face down the wreckage that was my change table and came to rest on his little peepee...just as it came to life and wee'd all over the wall and the shelving unit next to the change table, before I could even react. Thankfully I managed to cover it with my hand before it did any more damage, but by then it was too late. He had liberally decorated the walls and shelves with his mark, and my hand did nothing but deflect the onslaught downwards to mix with and dilute the poo which was already pooling on the change table, causing it to run and drip gleefully to other locations.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to my friend's house. I'd love to tell you a valuable lesson about motherhood that I learned from this experience, but there isn't one, except to reinforce the lesson that your plans must be flexible when you have a baby.

That, and two supposetories = ONE BIG MESS.